What have I done, Lord Jesus, to deserve your endless love?
What have I done, Lord Jesus, to be worthy of your grace?
What have I done, Lord Jesus, to be standing here with you?
What have I done, Lord Jesus, to be worthy of you?
For I am nothing, yet you love me
I am no one, yet you care
You thought of me when you died
What have I done to deserve this love?
And I lay down my will
to do yours until
My life I give henceforth to live for you alone
You made me worthy of you
~ Adie
I didn't do anything to deserve the grace I have been given. The only reason I am worthy of being in the presence of my savior is because he died for my sins and made me worthy. Not only am I worthy, I am worth it. It's funny how life (God) conspires to direct your path, despite your best efforts to go in a different direction.
I fought You for so long/
I should have let You in/
Oh how we regret those things we did/
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin/
But so were You/
So were You
- Relient K
But it seems that my life is becoming a collection of things I never thought I would do, and places I never thought I would go. Hindsight is 20/20, they say. Now I can see how various factors in my life have led me to the point where I am now. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about South Africa. Why God sent me there, what I am supposed to learn from that experience, and when I can go back... because there have been a consistent string of events since I left SA last March that keep nagging me to go back.
I never imagined that I would go to Africa in my lifetime. I grew up in Seattle, for goodness sake - and in my attempts to get home from South Africa last year, I learned that the Cape Town airport is the farthest airport you can possibly fly to from SeaTac. Africa just always seemed so far away, and I thought, "what reason would I have to go there?" Let me provide some background as to how and why I went there.
Since I was in 5th grade, I planned to be an orthodontist. This was my plan, mind you. But that was not to be. After a tumultuous third year at the University of Washington, I finally realized that it was time to abandon that plan. That was a very difficult thing to do, because I had always been taught not to be a quitter. But sometimes you just have to listen to God and let him be in charge. I have discovered that it is the times when I allow God to take control that life is the sweetest. Dropping my dental school plans meant I no longer had to stay in Seattle during the summers to take biochemistry and microbiology labs. And that meant that I could go on Deputation - a program I had heard about all my life at UPC. Dropping my biology and chemistry courses during winter of my third year also allowed me to find the Comparative History of Ideas program (CHID), which I declared as my second major, along with Communication. These two degrees couldn't have been more suited to me or to each other; my focus in COM being interpersonal/intercultural communication, and CHID having such a strong emphasis on cultural studies and study abroad. Sometimes I wonder how God managed to bless me so much? I am just one little person in a vast universe, and yet, over and over again, he cares about me enough to give me just the right opportunities. "What have I done, Lord Jesus, to deserve your endless love?"
All my life I had wanted to travel abroad, but I hadn't had the opportunity yet, so I was really excited for the opportunity to go on Deputation and to study abroad. In the summer after my fourth year at UW, I was sent on Deputation to Croatia. The way that Deputation is set up, participants do not choose where they are sent, so I went to Croatia not knowing why, but knowing that God had a purpose for me there. All I knew was that I would somehow be helping out with a program about reconciliation (read: interpersonal/intercultural communication).
Something similar happened with my trip to South Africa. I felt that I was supposed to study abroad during my fifth year - this was the reason that God had me change my academic focus during my third year: so that I would need to take five years to finish my degrees. The programs I had to choose from were a COM program to Rome, and CHID programs to Baja, New Zealand, and South Africa. I ruled out SA first because I just didn't see myself going to Africa. Then I ruled out Baja because I had already been on 4 mission trips to Mexico and wanted to go somewhere different. So it was a choice between Rome and New Zealand. But the New Zealand program was canceled, and the Rome program offered classes I had already taken, so it didn't make sense to take them again. I had heard wonderful things about CHID study abroad programs, so I decided to consider the SA program because I didn't have a very good reason for ruling it out initially. As with my trip to Croatia, I didn't really choose South Africa. It would seem that it chose me - or, rather, God chose it for me. And the funny thing is that the program in South Africa necessarily dealt with reconciliation because of the country's past history of Apartheid. It was right about the time that Deputation sites were announced that I found out I was accepted to the SA program. And they were both about reconciliation. I knew that God was trying to get my attention.
Since I returned from both of these trips, I have been back to Croatia to volunteer with the same program I served with during Deputation: Renewing Our Minds (ROM), and I am going back this summer. I wrote my CHID senior thesis about reconciliation processes in the countries I had visited, which allowed me the freedom to research and pursue this newly discovered passion of mine.
That is all a very long background, but it is necessary to see how I got to the point in my life where I am now - which definitely was not through my own plans. Since I returned from SA, I had the opportunity to participate in a program with Cape Town and Seattle middle school students, to attend a program about the healing of memories that was led by Father Michael Lapsley (a well-know anti-Apartheid activist), and to witness a new group of Roosevelt High students prepare to go to Cape Town this year with the Hands For a Bridge program. The people I studied there with want to return and we talk about it constantly. The next World Cup will be in South Africa, so the country has been in the news. The singer whose song appears at the beginning of this post is the wife of one of my favorite singers, Jeremy Camp, and she is from South Africa. Last night on TV, I watched a special about the leadership school for girls that Oprah just opened near Johannesburg (http://oprahwinfreyleadershipacademy.o-philanthropy.org/), and that is what made me write this post. These girls have lived and stuggled through so much. And they just want the opportunity to learn, to be loved, to be safe, to be who they were meant to be. One girl asked Oprah, "Looking at me, do you think I am good enough to go to your school?" "Yes," Oprah told her, "you are good enough." That got right to my heart. I think that phrase is something no person can be told enough, and yet so many people, especially young people, are not told enough - or maybe never told at all.
God has taken me to many countries that are in transition, and I have also seen in my own country - a first world country, one of the most powerful and wealthy nations on earth - young people with brilliant potential to change their countries and their world if someone would just give them the chance. If someone would tell them "you are good enough."
I think that maybe that is my purpose in going to South Africa. I don't know that I will ever build a school like Oprah has built - who knows? But I just have this desire to reach out to people in South Africa, who have struggled through so much, to love them and to tell them that they are good enough, that they are worthy. That they are worth it.
My core group leader, Jan, recently gave me a book to read, titled, "Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire," written by the pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle, Jim Cymbala. Here is an excerpt from that text that really struck me:
"Charles Spurgeon once said that when a jeweler shows his best diamonds, he sets them against a black velvet backdrop. Te contrast of the jewels against the dark velvet brings out the luster. In the same way, god does his most stunning work where things seem hopeless. Wherever there is pain, suffering, and desperation, Jesus is. And that's where his people belong - among those who are vulnerable, who think nobody cares. What better place for the brilliance of Christ to shine?" p. 78
Wherever God takes me in this world - South Africa, Croatia, the USA - I just want him to use me to let his people know that he thinks they are worth it. And if you have ever stood and looked over the sprawling mass of a township in South Africa, you can imagine how many people in this world need to be reminded of that fact.
