who...

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - e.e. cummings

In between

So. 2013 almost over. 2014 almost here. And I feel like I am in limbo between who I have been and who I am supposed to be.

I suppose it is the nature of life that nothing is permanent. I'm sitting here on Christmas Eve alone in this rented apartment thinking about all those Christmas Eves with my family in the house with the big Christmas tree, and wondering where I will spend next Christmas Eve, and who I will be with.

Tonight I couldn't shake the thought that "sometime's a crowded room feels the most alone." Everyone with their families, and I have no one to call my own. Not a soul. I don't feel lonely in the sense that I am pining for a friend/husband/mom/child, etc. But that in itself is interesting to me. Why don't I feel hopeless and bitter that I am sitting alone in this rented apartment on Christmas Eve?

I won't wax eloquent about how God is with me, though I believe He is. But I keep wondering what my purpose is. I certainly feel like I haven't found it yet. My work is somewhat fulfilling, but it doesn't feel like what I was created and put on this earth to do. I love my city, but it doesn't quite feel like home: I always feel like I don't quite belong here. I like my church and my friends, but I never quite feel like I am an integral part of their existence. If I were not here, I don't think anyone would skip a beat.

I don't say that to sound dramatic or depressing. It's just a fact I have noticed over the past year. Everything I do and every relationship I have could be replaced by someone else and I don't think anyone would notice.

So. What I am curious about is where and who I am supposed to be. Is there a job/role/relationship that only I was created to fill? That is what I am looking for. I know I will probably never feel fully satisfied on this earth, but until I find the purpose I was created to fulfill, I know will not feel at home.

2014: Let the search begin.

words

"don't forget where you come from
don't die holding onto your words
'cause you know that you got a whole world to change
but understand who you gotta change first"

- Macklemore

Long December...

Counting Crows' Long December has been a mainstay in the soundtrack of my life since I first heard it back in middle school. Probably something about the way it captures both sweetness and melancholy, joy and pain. Like life. Both gratefulness and longing. And at different times in my life I identify with different lyrics.

Last year, all I could think was 

"… and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls…

Long December, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last…"

I felt stuck. I felt hopeless. I didn't see any way out. And although I couldn't quite allow myself to hope that things would improve, I also couldn't allow myself to believe that they could get worse. 

God, you stuck with me through the blackness. Though the hopelessness. Through the tears and the despair. 

You rescued me. 

I still look back in amazement at the way you did it. It is still hard to believe the difference a year makes. 

This December I find myself singing 

"I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass…"