What do I know of this love?

Before God gave me this job, I had prayed for a challenge, for discipline, for work I could feel passionate about because it made a difference in the world. Be careful what you pray for. For several weeks at the beginning I felt so inadequate to the task. There is so much information to know, and I needed to overcome my fears of calling strangers (something I've always hated doing), and of asking people for money (the main thing that keeps me from wanting to be a "missionary"). I had also never experienced a "corporate" work environment. Growing up watching my mom's work life at SAFECO Insurance, I vowed I would never work a corporate job or anywhere that had cubicles. Especially after the past few years of making all my own decisions, not answering to anyone or having any supervision, these aspects of this job have most definitely been difficult to adjust to. Wondering why I was put in this job, I finally started to realize that God had answered prayers I prayed - even unspoken ones. I had asked for these things. God had taken care of one of my worries about getting a job and staying in the US. Complacency. When I am in another country, everything is a challenge - even the simplest tasks are difficult when you don't speak the language. I have no choice but to rely on God to provide for me. But here at home I am in my comfort zone, and I feel like I can do everything on my own and it is easy for me to forget to talk to Him. Not with this job. God had put me in here to get me out of my complacent comfort zone. I found myself turning off the radio every morning driving to work, praying with all my heart that God would get me through the day. And because I was praying for that, I started praying about lots of other stuff, too. I found my faith increasing more each day as I became more and more dependent on Him. Because I had no choice. God moves in mysterious ways, but He definitely knows what He is doing. With this one job, he answered my prayers for provision, for challenge, for discipline, for purpose, and for increased faith. And he helped me overcome some of my biggest fears. WOW. It makes me realize how small my faith really is. Why would I expect anything less from the One who made me and knows every hair on my head? It makes me long to know Him more and more each day. What freedom we have in dependence. Seemingly an oxymoron, but God is not confined by our limited perceptions. And he definitely has a sense of humor. As my friends point out, it is ironic that I spend my days talking on the phone - because I don't even answer or return their calls half the time. "God, really? You want me to talk to strangers on the phone all day, and to ask them for money!?" I can see Him sitting up in Heaven smiling down on me and saying, "Daughter, just trust me. I made you and I love you. I am always faithful to you. You know that. Why would this time be any different? I know what I am doing." I have seen my God's faithfulness time and time again through various circumstances in my life. Why would this time be any different? Why do I always forget his faithfulness and expect Him to prove Himself to me again? This week, we finished our training and I took my first inbound calls. I was terrified of them. I knew I was being irrational, but I was so worried. I have never prayed harder! And God came through - just as He promised me He would. They were just fine. In fact, I suddenly realized that after all my anxiety - I actually enjoyed the calls! I didn't expect that! God, You are good. I will never understand the breadth and depth and heighth and width of Your love, but I know You are good and I know, without doubt, that you love me. You always provide and your timing is always perfect.

This song has caught my attention recently because I know that God's love is so much bigger than I can ever comprehend. Though I can see glimpses of how God is working in my life, I have no idea about the big picture of what he is really doing. But these tiny insights are enough to know that He is all I will ever need. Amen.

What Do I Know of Holy - Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times
I try to hear from Heaven
But I talk the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all, no
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
So, what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
But those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
So, what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

So, what do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
Lord, what do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

If You Want Peace, Work For Justice

I have been wondering why God put me at World Vision - because it clearly has nothing to do with my passion for the Balkans or reconciliation/peacebuilding. I prayed about this last weekend. This week, I started noticing this bumper sticker that reads, "If you want peace, work for justice." Three times this week, I have followed cars emblazoned with it. At chapel on Wednesday, Rich said something about World Vision's work to end poverty being a way to work for justice in the world. As previously mentioned, I don't believe in coincidence. Clearly, God is at work here.

I'm not my own, I've been carried by You all my life

My favorite song right now. When I start feeling overwhelmed at work or by life in general, when the world has broken me down, God's love sets me free. I can cast my burdens on Him and rest in His arms. Amen.

Hope Now - Addison Road

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of?
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

Why am I here in Seattle? What is God's purpose for me here? Why am I not going to the Balkans again this summer? Why? I don't know why, and I think that's the way it's supposed to be. Over and over I have struggled with wanting to know what the future holds. And over and over again, God reminds me that I don't need to know that, as long as I trust that he knows. If I knew I might be too afraid to step out, or I would get ahead of myself trying to get to the end of the road and miss out on key knowledge or experience I needed for the journey. Have faith like a child, He reminds me. Trust Me. Has anyone ever added a day to her life by worrying? Everything works for good for those who love Me. I don't know exactly where I am going, or how He will get me there. But I know that this is a new chapter of the story of my life. I believe I will get to go back to the Balkans someday, but not for now. For now, I am going to be content to be here, and be the best World Vision phone rep that I can be. I'm sort of sad to leave an old beginning behind, but who knows where this new beginning will lead me? It might be even better!


There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans He's made for me
I'll have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet

Still wondering why I'm here
Still wrestling with my fear
But, oh, he's up to something
And the farther on I go
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothing
He's up to something

(Wait and See - Brandon Heath)