You look for a heart that's open

Captivate - Starfield

You say, strength is found in weakness
Peace in incompleteness
So why do I hold on?

You look, For a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
So why am I withdrawn?

My soul's screaming out
To be found in You

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before You honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

I'm so messy and distracted
Undisciplined and tactless
Here on the inside

I thought age would tell the secrets
But the secrets are still secret
And the years are passing by

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need
Teach me to hear the melodies of peace

Waiting for a revelation

"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"
— C.S. Lewis

Have I posted this Starfield song before? Probably. But the truth in the lyrics and the extent to which I identify with them is unchanged. Listening to this song this morning, it occurred to me how much this resonates with yesterday's post. I took a chance the other night and emailed someone I know who is a recruiter for a missions sending agency, asking him how things were developing for the team they are trying to form to go to Croatia. Today he replied and wrote, "I literally woke up yesterday thinking about you and the Croatia team. Then when I got into the office there was your e-mail waiting for me. Wow!" At WV chapel today, some of the interns spoke about how God brought them to World Vision. Amazing stories. Rich also shared that when he was young, working for two years as an intern driving taxis, he never imagined where God would lead him. I still don't know where God is leading me or how I am being prepared, but these are good reminders for me that God knows where He is taking me; I just need to stay close to Him.


Tumbling After - Starfield

The other day while I was driving home my world was shaken
It occurred to me that I had left too many risks untaken
I'm always sitting here just waiting for a revelation
Is it ever gonna come?

All this searching yet my destiny is still unfound
Makes me realize this world will always let me down
So it seems that the only hope I ever had
Was everything that You are

I'm falling down
Tumbling after You
I'm overwhelmed
Tripping over simple truth
In all I've found
There's nothing that's more beautiful
Than what I've found in You

You could always see right through the front I'd offer You
Not believing my excuses, waiting for the truth
When You could have turned Your back
And walked away from me
You, You picked me up instead

So we'll turn another page and change the way I look at You
And maybe I'll begin to understand what You went through
Not content to leave me wandering and unaware
You took my hand instead
Yeah, You lead me to the edge

You're everything that I ever needed
Now I wanna believe this time
That You would love me
That You would say I'm Yours, I'm Yours, I'm Yours

I surrender

It is so obvious. I must have known it all along. The only times I have been truly happy in my life were the times when I let You be fully in control. This is not to say that these times were the easiest. But they were the best because I was fully dependent on You. And I realize that lately I have drifted. Not intentionally, of course, but because I stopped being dependent. As work got easier, I didn't have to pray all day long just to make it through the day. And while that was a relief, I realize that I am missing the depth of faith that I experienced back then. If there is a way in this life for us to be fully relient on You while things are going smoothly, then I have yet to experience it.

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." — C.S. Lewis

But God, this restlessness, this dissatisfaction that I have wrestled with for months... I see now that there is only one way to get rid of it, and that is to let You, as my friend Lisa reminded me in 8th grade, do Your job. I opened my heart to Your will in 2005 and you sent me to Croatia, completely changing the trajectory I had planned for my life. Then, arms open to You as my foundation crumbled underneath me, I followed you to South Africa, where you taught me how to experience true joy despite circumstances.

These experiences radically altered my expectations for this life, and now I am not satisfied to live as I did before. How could I be?

I'm lost for the words to say
Lost for another way
Ruined for anything other than Your love
- Starfield

God, I have held on too tightly to the things I thought you wanted for me. I have been afraid to let go of the only things I could define myself by. Croatia. South Africa. Reconciliation. But in the process of trying to figure out Your plan and discern how my plan could fit into it, God, I never took the time to listen to You. I am ashamed to admit that I cannot remember the last time I let you speak and just listened. I don't want to try to figure my life out anymore. I simply want to kneel at Your feet and let You lead. Use me, Lord. To make Your kingdom come. However that might look. Whether in a way I expect or not. I surrender. Open my mind and my heart. Take me back to those days when I was available to You. Those were sweet times of being satisfied in Your presence and excited by each new revelation. I am older now, less naive. But I want to be even more open to You, now, Lord. To be just as willing to take a risk. You gave it all for me, God. Help me give You all of me.

Amen.