I surrender

It is so obvious. I must have known it all along. The only times I have been truly happy in my life were the times when I let You be fully in control. This is not to say that these times were the easiest. But they were the best because I was fully dependent on You. And I realize that lately I have drifted. Not intentionally, of course, but because I stopped being dependent. As work got easier, I didn't have to pray all day long just to make it through the day. And while that was a relief, I realize that I am missing the depth of faith that I experienced back then. If there is a way in this life for us to be fully relient on You while things are going smoothly, then I have yet to experience it.

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." — C.S. Lewis

But God, this restlessness, this dissatisfaction that I have wrestled with for months... I see now that there is only one way to get rid of it, and that is to let You, as my friend Lisa reminded me in 8th grade, do Your job. I opened my heart to Your will in 2005 and you sent me to Croatia, completely changing the trajectory I had planned for my life. Then, arms open to You as my foundation crumbled underneath me, I followed you to South Africa, where you taught me how to experience true joy despite circumstances.

These experiences radically altered my expectations for this life, and now I am not satisfied to live as I did before. How could I be?

I'm lost for the words to say
Lost for another way
Ruined for anything other than Your love
- Starfield

God, I have held on too tightly to the things I thought you wanted for me. I have been afraid to let go of the only things I could define myself by. Croatia. South Africa. Reconciliation. But in the process of trying to figure out Your plan and discern how my plan could fit into it, God, I never took the time to listen to You. I am ashamed to admit that I cannot remember the last time I let you speak and just listened. I don't want to try to figure my life out anymore. I simply want to kneel at Your feet and let You lead. Use me, Lord. To make Your kingdom come. However that might look. Whether in a way I expect or not. I surrender. Open my mind and my heart. Take me back to those days when I was available to You. Those were sweet times of being satisfied in Your presence and excited by each new revelation. I am older now, less naive. But I want to be even more open to You, now, Lord. To be just as willing to take a risk. You gave it all for me, God. Help me give You all of me.

Amen.