Disconnect

Funny how fast moods can change. I was enjoying life until about 3 weeks ago. Yesterday I had a minor meltdown. I knew it would happen. Things were going too well. "I'm so happy and... something bad is going to happen." - Charlotte, Sex and the City.

Getting so frustrated with my job. I feel stuck. Is it too much to hope for a career? Or at least a job that isn't so restrictive? I feel like I am in middle school again, with tardy policies and bathroom passes. Very Big Brother. And I resent that the department I work in is treated like the red-headed stepkid. Sigh.

I sit in chapel and am told that I should be a Mary instead of a Martha. That I should be an encourager. That I should learn how to resolve conflict with those around me and focus on relationships instead of production. I hear coworkers in the audience voice their agreement. I shake my head in amazement. Newsflash: I am a Mary (stopping to smell the roses - or photograph them). I am an encourager (which, as I wrote in my Elder application, has been confirmed multiple times - even through prophecy). I already know (and teach others - hello, 4 years of ROM) how to resolve conflict. "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills" (Zoolander). These are the things I am that I feel like aren't valued in my current job. All that is expected of me is production. Nurturing relationships is discouraged. Sigh.

I don't want to be ungrateful. I realize that a lot of people don't have jobs. But I am dissatisfied. Unhappy. Not realizing my potential. At the end of chapel today, Rich told us to be happy. So there is a disconnect between what I am being told and the reality I am living. I don't really know what to do about it. Cut ties and run away? Stick it out and be frustrated? I know, I know. I should be happy. I should "let go and let God." I should pray.

But what if I don't feel like it? Being in a bad mood is apparently really good for my numbers: 56 kana emails today and yesterday. Yikes. Still, I feel like I am banging my head on the wall. Over and over and over. Cancelling sponsorships. Updating addresses. Telling people how to send letters to their sponsored children... It never ends. I will answer the same questions tomorrow that I answered today and yesterday and the day before... Incessant questions. Incessant emails. Sure - me answering emails somehow helps babies in Africa get fed. But is this really my purpose in life?

Listening to Croatian music on my ipod today made me want to cry. I miss my past life.

"Don't worry, you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time"
- Sarah McLachlan, Perfect Girl

Blessed

Sitting here in the Burke Museum cafe, I am thinking about the shift in my attitude of late. Even a month ago I would spend my waking hours dreaming of being in other countries... anywhere but here. But as the trip to Peru neared, I noticed that I started to think about the things I love so dearly about Seattle. Once in Peru, the things I love about here were magnified. Although I am so glad I went to Peru, I was ready to come home. I have not felt like that at the end of a trip for a long time. Probably not since before I went to Croatia (left the U.S.) for the first time.

Now here I sit, appreciating all the things about this amazing place I call home. I am so blessed. On top of providing for my basic needs, God, you have outdone yourself giving me wonderful friends, a family that loves me, a great church family, a roof over my head - with a view of lake and mountains!, fresh air to breathe, good food, clean water, flushing toilets, health care, a good education, and a good job that allows me to serve you and your people who are in need. I am so blessed.

It is true. As stated by a friend of mine earlier today, "Once you have been outside the country, you always want to go again." I know I will always have the desire to explore new places and new countries. But for now, instead of wishing to be somewhere else, I am content to live this life I have been given and enjoy the bountiful blessings of this place.














Olympic Mountains and Ferry on Puget Sound
Seattle, WA - 2010

You make beautiful things out of the dust

Just back from Peru, working with a team from UPC and Food for the Hungry. This song captures our time in Lima and Catorce de Febrero.



















Bird of Paradise - Chaclacayo, Peru
March 2011

Beautiful Things - Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new

You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)

You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of us
(You are making me new, making me new)

Oh, you make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

Falling into place

It feels like the puzzle pieces are finally falling into place. I have a peace in the pit of my stomache that has been missing for a long time. Feels good to have it back!

I told Janette on Friday that I decided to go to Northwest and she hugged me! I told Jan today and she said, "YAY!!" Katie and my dad like the idea, too. I like that the people I love like this decision.

So here's my plan beyond coming back from Peru and running the Seattle Rock 'n' Roll 1/2 marathon (plans change, but it's easier to steer a ship that's moving!):

- Save for trip to Europe in 2012 (Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland, Spain, and Iceland with Heather to see Brajna, Iva, Abi, John & Phyllis, Brian, and Elizabeth)

- Prepare and apply to Northwest University's International Care and Community Development Master's program, to begin in Fall 2012
http://www.northwestu.edu/social_behavioral/maiccd/

I love having goals further in the future than a couple months! Welcome back, old self.

It’s time for me to follow through

I Refuse - Josh Wilson

Sometimes I,
I just want to close my eyes
And act like everyone’s alright
When I know they’re not
This world needs God
But it’s easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
Like nothing’s wrong

But I refuse

‘Cause I don’t want to live like I don’t care
I don’t want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse to
Sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move, but I refuse

I can hear the least of these
Crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet
Of you, oh God
So, if you say move
It’s time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do
And show them who You are

‘Cause I don’t want to live like I don’t care
I don’t want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse to
Sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move, but I refuse

To stand and watch
The weary and lost
Cry out for help
I refuse
To turn my back
And try and act like all is well
I refuse
To stay unchanged
To wait another day
To die to myself
I refuse
To make one more excuse

‘Cause I don’t want to live like I don’t care
I don’t want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse to
Sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh, I could choose
Not to move, but I refuse
I refuse
I refuse

So excited!!

I feel like I'm finally breaking out of hibernation. Today I ordered my Team World Vision running shirt! And I have firmly decided to apply to Northwest University's MA ICCD program in fall 2012! After years of researching grad schools, I finally feel like I have found the perfect fit. I have never been to the school so I don't know why, but it just feels right in the pit of my stomache. Finally. And Peru is coming up in 10 days!!

There is one thing to be alive for

Devotion - Hillsong

I've been running, trying to be one who sees
I've been working salvation out on my knees
There is nothing better than knowing
We are redeemed
I'm believing, trusting in creative hands,
I am praying for our world to bow to Your plan
And this one thought is unmistakable
Take up my cross and follow You, Lord

When You stand, the tall tress and mountains bow
When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen
And I fall to my knees

I'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
I'm delivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focued on the Savior who gave His life
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow You, Lord

When You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow
When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen
And I fall to my knees
And I fall to my knees

I will take up my cross and follow, Lord, where You lead me
I will take up my cross and follow wherever You go

I will take up my cross and follow, Lord, where You lead me
I will take up my cross and follow wherever You go

When You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow
When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen
And I fall to my knees

When You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow
When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen
And I fall to my knees

I fall to my knees
I fall to my knees
I fall...