Disconnect

Funny how fast moods can change. I was enjoying life until about 3 weeks ago. Yesterday I had a minor meltdown. I knew it would happen. Things were going too well. "I'm so happy and... something bad is going to happen." - Charlotte, Sex and the City.

Getting so frustrated with my job. I feel stuck. Is it too much to hope for a career? Or at least a job that isn't so restrictive? I feel like I am in middle school again, with tardy policies and bathroom passes. Very Big Brother. And I resent that the department I work in is treated like the red-headed stepkid. Sigh.

I sit in chapel and am told that I should be a Mary instead of a Martha. That I should be an encourager. That I should learn how to resolve conflict with those around me and focus on relationships instead of production. I hear coworkers in the audience voice their agreement. I shake my head in amazement. Newsflash: I am a Mary (stopping to smell the roses - or photograph them). I am an encourager (which, as I wrote in my Elder application, has been confirmed multiple times - even through prophecy). I already know (and teach others - hello, 4 years of ROM) how to resolve conflict. "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills" (Zoolander). These are the things I am that I feel like aren't valued in my current job. All that is expected of me is production. Nurturing relationships is discouraged. Sigh.

I don't want to be ungrateful. I realize that a lot of people don't have jobs. But I am dissatisfied. Unhappy. Not realizing my potential. At the end of chapel today, Rich told us to be happy. So there is a disconnect between what I am being told and the reality I am living. I don't really know what to do about it. Cut ties and run away? Stick it out and be frustrated? I know, I know. I should be happy. I should "let go and let God." I should pray.

But what if I don't feel like it? Being in a bad mood is apparently really good for my numbers: 56 kana emails today and yesterday. Yikes. Still, I feel like I am banging my head on the wall. Over and over and over. Cancelling sponsorships. Updating addresses. Telling people how to send letters to their sponsored children... It never ends. I will answer the same questions tomorrow that I answered today and yesterday and the day before... Incessant questions. Incessant emails. Sure - me answering emails somehow helps babies in Africa get fed. But is this really my purpose in life?

Listening to Croatian music on my ipod today made me want to cry. I miss my past life.

"Don't worry, you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time"
- Sarah McLachlan, Perfect Girl