Let justice and praise become my embrace

From the Inside Out – Hillsong United

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, I give You control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

From the inside out, O my soul cries out

My Soul cries out to You

My Soul cries out to You

to You, to You

My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

From the inside out, O my soul cries out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

From the inside out, O my soul cries out

From the inside out, O my soul cries out

From the inside out, O my soul cries out.

Hard to move beyond this fear

Let It Go  - Tenth Avenue North 

I've been holding on so tight

Look at these knuckles

They've gone white

I'm fighting for who I wanna be

I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control

You say you will be, everything I need

You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hear

Harder still, to move beyond this fear

We know there's nothing I can bring,

So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control

You say You will be, everything I need

You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?

What do I hate?

What will I lose?

What will I gain?

How do I save my soul?

What if I bend?

What if I break?

What will it cost?

What will it take?

For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control

You say You will be, everything I need

You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control

You say you will be, everything I need

You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go

Back to normal

Studying at Zoka on Sunday

So happy to be back to "normal." I feel so much more like myself when I have something to study. Grad school started on Tuesday and I felt a weight (literally a wait) lift. This is who I am, who I have always been. A student, an analyst, a questioner, a reader, a writer, a creator. It feels like coming home.

I don't know what this means, but three people have asked me this week if I have considered Peace Corps. I have, but never felt like I was allowed to pursue it beyond interest. It is hard to be reminded of things I want - have wanted for years - but am not allowed to have: travel, work I am passionate about, the feeling that what I do matters. I just can't shake the fact that I would like to be a PCV. God, is that something I am allowed to hope for? I don't think I can bear more disappointment.

Pearls

Sometimes I get "the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls."

I want pearls. I am tired of searching and searching and never finding pearls - because I don't really allow myself to. I have spent years believing that I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough to deserve pearls. I don't want to believe that anymore. Enough.

To walk; to fly

This song has been on my mind. Today, I heard it on my way to work and on the way home. I first posted it last August. Back then, I had to keep repeating to myself "you love me anyway" because I was having a hard time believing it was true. Now, different words catch my attention:

It took more than my strength

To simply be still

To seek but never find...

Still you call me to walk

On the edge of this world

To spread my dreams and fly...

- You Love Me Anyway, Sidewalk Prophets

I reversed the order of the paragraphs because the words make more sense to me that way - in this place on my road. I finally feel like I am recovering from my "near-drowning experience" - the depression of the past year. I am barely able to believe I survived, and it has taken some time to re-gather my strength. But now I feel strong enough to again believe that you have a call for me, and that it is not only ok but possible to pursue my dreams. I had all but given up on that. Still amazed that you don't give up on me. Grateful for that. What a year.

Coffee Bay, South Africa

The One the wind and waves obey

Strong Enough to Save - Tenth Avenue North


You fought, but you were just too weak
So you lost all the things you tried to keep
Now you're on your knees
But wait, everything can change in a moments time
You don't have to be afraid
'Cause fear is just a lie
Open up your eyes

And He'll break open the skies to save
Those who cry out His name
The One the wind and waves obey
Is strong enough to save you

Look, now it's not too late
Lift up your head, let the rain fall on your face
You're not far from grace
You're not too far from grace

And He'll break open the skies to save
Those who cry out His name
The One the wind and waves obey
Is strong enough to save you
Break open the skies to save
Those who cry out His name
The One the wind and waves obey
Is strong enough to save you

I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity and
I know current of yourself can take you out, out to sea
But hold on, hold on

And He'll break open the skies to save
Those who cry out His name
The One the wind and waves obey
Is strong enough to save you
Break open the skies to save
Those who cry out His name
The One the wind and waves obey
Is strong enough to save you