who...

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - e.e. cummings

In between

So. 2013 almost over. 2014 almost here. And I feel like I am in limbo between who I have been and who I am supposed to be.

I suppose it is the nature of life that nothing is permanent. I'm sitting here on Christmas Eve alone in this rented apartment thinking about all those Christmas Eves with my family in the house with the big Christmas tree, and wondering where I will spend next Christmas Eve, and who I will be with.

Tonight I couldn't shake the thought that "sometime's a crowded room feels the most alone." Everyone with their families, and I have no one to call my own. Not a soul. I don't feel lonely in the sense that I am pining for a friend/husband/mom/child, etc. But that in itself is interesting to me. Why don't I feel hopeless and bitter that I am sitting alone in this rented apartment on Christmas Eve?

I won't wax eloquent about how God is with me, though I believe He is. But I keep wondering what my purpose is. I certainly feel like I haven't found it yet. My work is somewhat fulfilling, but it doesn't feel like what I was created and put on this earth to do. I love my city, but it doesn't quite feel like home: I always feel like I don't quite belong here. I like my church and my friends, but I never quite feel like I am an integral part of their existence. If I were not here, I don't think anyone would skip a beat.

I don't say that to sound dramatic or depressing. It's just a fact I have noticed over the past year. Everything I do and every relationship I have could be replaced by someone else and I don't think anyone would notice.

So. What I am curious about is where and who I am supposed to be. Is there a job/role/relationship that only I was created to fill? That is what I am looking for. I know I will probably never feel fully satisfied on this earth, but until I find the purpose I was created to fulfill, I know will not feel at home.

2014: Let the search begin.

words

"don't forget where you come from
don't die holding onto your words
'cause you know that you got a whole world to change
but understand who you gotta change first"

- Macklemore

Long December...

Counting Crows' Long December has been a mainstay in the soundtrack of my life since I first heard it back in middle school. Probably something about the way it captures both sweetness and melancholy, joy and pain. Like life. Both gratefulness and longing. And at different times in my life I identify with different lyrics.

Last year, all I could think was 

"… and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls…

Long December, and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last…"

I felt stuck. I felt hopeless. I didn't see any way out. And although I couldn't quite allow myself to hope that things would improve, I also couldn't allow myself to believe that they could get worse. 

God, you stuck with me through the blackness. Though the hopelessness. Through the tears and the despair. 

You rescued me. 

I still look back in amazement at the way you did it. It is still hard to believe the difference a year makes. 

This December I find myself singing 

"I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass…"

hope … change

You are the hope I have for change

You are the only chance I'll take

- Switchfoot (On Fire)

the past is just a conduit
and the light there at the end is where I'll be
- Relient K (Up and Up)

Coming to the end of 2013 and I am thinking about how far I have come since a year ago. One year ago, my hope was failing and I didn't see any chance for change. Now I have a new job, new home, new outlook.

Truth be told, I didn't know if I would make it. The long, dark years took their toll. But God, you never gave up on me. Even when I gave up on me. Even when I wanted to give up on you. You never let go of me.

My faith isn't--can't be--dependent only on what you can do for me. Still, the drastic change in my trajectory can't be attributed to anything but Your faithfulness to me, and seeing the abounding evidence of that faithfulness, I can't help but trust you more.

My God, I say from the depths of my heart, Not my will but Yours be done. The proof of transformation in my life built a foundation of trust on which I can stand firmly. I am nothing without you, but with you I am strong.

Whatever is useful in me for You, God use it. You are my hope. Use me to bring Your hope in this world. 

the shadow proves the sunshine

Cape Point, South Africa - 2006

"Oh Lord, why did You forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away.
Storm clouds gathering beside me.
Please Lord, don't look the other way.

Crooked soul, trying to stay up straight.
Dry eyes in the pouring rain.
The shadow proves the sunshine."
- Switchfoot

Cape Town has a significant place in my heart, for it was there that I learned to trust my God. Really trust him. Sometimes I thought the shadows were too dark, but the sunshine was always brighter.

In my dark days over the past few years it was Switchfoot's music, and in particular this song, that kept me in the light. I was listening to the Nothing Is Sound album on the way to their show tonight, and reflecting on the meaning this song has for me. But I had no idea until tonight when it was highlighted in "Fading West" that this song was written in Cape Town.

Through storm clouds and pouring rain, through darkness and loneliness, God I know you have not forsaken me. When I thought the shadows couldn't get any darker, you would let a beam of light shine in to carry me through. The shadow proves the sunshine.

don't give up

(Photo credit: http://tinyurl.com/m5st9ya)