Lift up your voice and lay your burden down

There is something about words that has always captivated me. Written. Spoken. The concreteness and tangibility of them. They give you power. Over your own feelings, impressions, emotions, experiences. In putting something into words, you are freed from it. It is also in putting something into words that we invite others into our experience and allow them to validate us. For the past 5 years, I have desperately sought to find the words to express my own experiences and emotions, but the words have not come easily. I have had to fight for them. So much has happened in my life over the past 5 years, I can hardly comprehend it, much less formulate it. But I want to. I want to understand where I have been, who I have been, what has happened to me. I want to see it in words.

"Lift up your voice and lay your burden down." A line from MercyMe's All of Creation. Apropos. MercyMe lyrics have been a life-preserver for me during these years (especially Where You Lead Me), as I have held onto others' words when I could not find my own. And this song is about singing to our Creator. I am a singer to my core. Fitting. I love the truth in these lyrics. There truly is a relief and freedom in being able to put life to words, to be able to share it. To be able to release the burden we have been carrying. To lift your voice and lay your burden down.

Last week, I was looking at the course listings for the UW Women's Center and I came across a class titled, "Writing Your Story, Finding Your Voice." I have been struggling to find my voice for so long. This is one of the deepest desires of my heart. I was talking with Karen in the break room last week about my passion for writing and shared that I want to write a book. I haven't told that to many people, but lately I have been thinking about it a lot. I do feel that God expects me to be a voice for the voiceless and to share the experiences I have had. But for some reason, I have never felt free to do it. I never felt I was good enough, I guess. Never thought anyone would want to read what I wrote. So, the title of this class caught my attention and held it. I debated it for awhile, but in the end, I signed up because I figured maybe it could help me find my voice. And if I can find my voice, maybe I can use my voice as a voice for others, too.

Today was the first day of the class. It was only an hour and a half, but it was a start. It opened a window in my head. Not a whole door, but a window, at least. A glimmer of hope. The teacher told us, "Lower your standards." I think that is part of my problem. I'm a recovering perfectionist and I'm always intimidated that I might screw up. I haven't quite adopted the "so, what!" attitude yet, but I'm working on it. Maybe it's like learning a new language. You have to speak even if you screw up, because that is how you learn and how you get comfortable. It took me a long time to learn that lesson.

On my way home from the class, All of Creation came on the radio, and that line, "lift up your voice and lay your burden down" felt like You telling me that it's time, God. Time to be freed from the burden of all these words that have been bottled up for so long. "Captivated, but no longer bound by chains."

I changed the station at a commercial and the song that came on the new station played for the rest of my drive home - Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten (another of my favorites):

I'm just beginning
the pen's in my hand
ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I'm excited. This class is only 4 sessions - 4 weeks. But I am hoping that it will help break down the wall in my head that has been stifling my ability to let the words flow. God, free me from this blockage. I know You know my heart. I know You know how much I long for words. Concrete, tangible words to express all that is in my heart and head. I know that that is Your heart, too, Father. For You are the Word.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. - John 1:1

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I'm holding onto that truth and hoping that today is where my book begins.