Never thought we'd get old, maybe we're still young
Maybe you always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I've been missin' what it's about
Been scared of the future, thinkin' about the past
While missin' out on now
We've come so far, I guess I'm proud
And I ain't worried 'bout the wrinkles 'round my smile
I've got some scars, I've been around
I've felt some pain, I've seen some things, but I'm here now
Those good old days
He and I are very different in a lot of ways. But in some ways we are alike. Seattle isn't that big of a city, and we are the same age and have mutual friends. Maybe these are reasons his music resonates with me despite our very different paths in life. Or maybe there is just a point in life where you start looking back.
Maybe.
Maybe 30 is old enough to finally be taken seriously, and also old enough to have enough memories to look back on.
I've been doing a lot of looking back lately, as part of my process of intentionally moving forward. Look back, remember, take stock of where I have come from, decide what to hold on to and what to let go of. Take a few photos of things I find in storage, pack some away again, put the rest in boxes and send them out into the universe.
Today I find myself listening to Counting Crows' Long December. I have so many memories of this song. The primary is singing an alternate version of it in Tijuana, Mexico, during a church trip to build houses during spring break in high school. That version of myself was so insecure. She worried far too much about what other people thought. I've got some scars now, and wrinkles around my smile, and frankly I'm not who or where I expected to be at 34. But I hope I'm better than the person I had once hoped to become. I hope that the scars have made me more compassionate, and the wrinkles have made me wiser.
I decided after mom died that I would never look back at my life with regrets: I would make sure not to miss opportunities because they may never come again, and I would make the best decisions I could and never second guess myself later. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but you can't judge a decision based on information you didn't have at the time you made it.
While I'm on the subject of West Coast musicians I have been influenced by, Jon Foreman is absolutely the person whose music has shaped my theology, my social justice bent, and my view of relationships the most. Nearly every song he writes has lyrics I want to turn into art. Here are a few from The Wonderlands EPs that I've scrawled on many sheets of paper over the past year:
Don't let your spirit die before your body does
- Terminal
I wanna be rich in memories, not money
- Inheritance
And of course, these Switchfoot lyrics:
I wanna sing with all my heart a lifelong song
Even if some notes come out right and some come out wrong
Cause I can't take none of that through the door
Yeah, I'm living for more than just a funeral
I wanna burn brighter than the dawn
Life is short; I wanna live it well
- Live It Well
I might not know what I want from this life
But I know I want more than the starting line...
Left it all behind us
What we need will find us...
I got everything I need, everything I need
There's a fire coming that we all will go through
You possess your possessions or they possess you
- If the House Burns Down Tonight
I close my eyes and go back in time...
And life was just happening
(Nothing lasts, nothing lasts forever)
I wouldn't trade it for anything
My souvenirs
- Souvenirs
All this to say I'm glad I took the time before moved away from Seattle to remember where I came from and make intentional decisions about how to move forward. I'll remove the "maybe." These are the moments. Each decision, each experience, each day lived have shaped who I am now. Some I miss, for sure, and will forever be grateful for and probably always wish I could live again. I truly have been so blessed to have had wonderful experiences in my life that are rightfully things I should miss. And I've had days I would never wish to live again. I'm trying now more than I ever have to live each day fully, to be present and not stuck in the past or in the future. Of course where I have been and where I think I want to go are important, but not at the expense of where I am today. I want to appreciate the moments as I live them.
This was in an email from Peace Corps several weeks ago, and I saved it because it reminds me about my resolution to have no regrets, and to appreciate where I am now:
