Balance

Today marks 1 year since I was invited to become a Peace Corps Volunteer, and 5 months since I arrived in Moldova. When you have concrete markers like this, it seems to require reflection. 

I have been putting off writing about this topic for several weeks, but I suppose today is as good a time as any. Given the amount of change in my life and hometown over the past few years, I’ve been thinking a lot about why we look forward to change or dread it. As I was searching through my phone photos for the screen shot of my Peace Corps invitation letter that I took a year ago, I spent probably an hour scrolling through photos from the past 4 years. So many wonderful memories, and also some really terrible ones. Beautiful sights, good friends, yummy food, as well as the loss of a dear mentor, the loss of my job and home, career disappointment, and nostalgia for a hometown that no longer exists in the way I wish it did. Coincidentally, today I wore a pair of socks I bought when I worked at a retail clothing store for a few months in high school. I remember I bought them on sale and also got the employee discount. And for whatever reason, they have lasted this long and here I sit wearing them in Moldova nearly 20 years later. It made me remember the neighborhood I grew up in, my parents still married, the schools I attended, and the activities that made up my life back then. Scrolling through more recent photos reminded me of how much has changed, both in my personal life and in the area I called home for so long. Sometimes when I think about all the changes I want to cry for what has been lost. Then again, I have had so many wonderful experiences and made some amazing friends who I would not know if it weren’t for all of the changes. 

So, I wonder again, as I have so often in the past few years as I sorted through my family’s history: How do I embrace the present and simultaneously appreciate the past, without letting the loss become a burden? Why am I so afraid of change? Why do I try to cling to what was? I’m really trying to understand this on a personal level because so much of my life and hometown(s) have changed so quickly recently that I am trying to find some solid ground to stand on, a way to comprehend how to understand my own place in the change, a way to feel settled amid the upheaval, a way to find balance in looking forward and looking back.

Among all the things in my camera roll, I found a screenshot of this quote:

Everything has seasons, and we have to be able to recognize when something’s time has passed and be able to move to the next season.
- Dr Henry Cloud, The Global Leadership Summit

It’s true. Over the 11 years it took me to sort through boxes of family heirlooms, assorted papers, and belongings I navigated feelings of sadness at what was lost and things I chose to get rid of, and excitement for being less encumbered by things I don’t need or want. In that same time, I also navigated the ups and downs of loss and gain I didn’t have control over: new light rail, new restaurants, new people (friends!) moving to town, old favorite places closing and being demolished, etc. I guess it comes down to my desire for stability and self-determination. When I make a choice to change something, I feel excited about it. But when things just happen to me or around me, it makes me want to cling harder to something that is being taken away. By the end of 11 years of sorting, it was much easier to get rid of an item without feeling loss or guilt. But it took me a long time to get to that point. I wonder if there will be a point at which I won’t feel sad about a favorite place being demolished and replaced by something else? I wonder if there will be a day when I’m excited for the new and not constantly remembering the things that no longer are? Or better yet, I wonder if there will be a point at which I will fondly remember the things of the past that I loved, but only with joy at having experienced them and not with sorrow that they are gone? I think that is my goal. Because the reason I miss the things that are gone is because they were wonderful, and I don’t want to forget that. But life is too short to dwell in the past. I don’t want to be stuck back there wishing for what will never exist again. I want to be able to love new things and new places, and to enjoy new experiences. 

How do I learn to let go of the past without feeling like my foundation is cracking? How do I welcome the new, remember the past, and not fear loss? If anything, all the loss has taught me that life is too short to worry about things I have no control over, and I don’t want to miss out on the good things to come because I am fretting over things that are gone. 

Had you told me when I bought this pair of socks – when I was still in high school, living at home with my parents who were still married, planning to be an orthodontist, and had never left North America or lived anywhere but the house I was born in – that I’d be wearing them nearly 20 years later while serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Moldova, having travelled to 43 countries, experienced my parents’ divorce and my mom’s death, earned a Master’s in International Development, and no longer calling Seattle my home, I don’t know what I would have thought. I’m certain that there is a reason why we learn information when we do. Knowing ahead of time everything that would be coming would probably have scared me. Maybe it would have made me afraid to move forward.

Life experience has taught me that I usually end up where I need to be right when I need to be there. Maybe all the loss and change precipitated me coming to Moldova at just this time. Maybe being here is necessary for whatever will come next. For now, I am trying to learn how to gracefully embrace the past, present, and future. I'm grateful for what I've experienced, and despite missing things of the past, I'm optimistic about what the future holds and trying my best to appreciate today for what it is. Hopefully, I'll look back at today with fond memories.