How do you let go of a dream? Particularly one that you have not allowed yourself to dream?
To be able to let go of something, you have to acknowledge that it exists. But if you acknowledge that it exists and let go of it anyway, that inherently causes pain. I am tired of pain. I have, unfortunately, developed a talent for crying unnoticeably. I have stopped allowing myself to hope for the things I really want. If you don't hope for something, there is no disappointment when it doesn't happen. I have numbed myself because at least that is one thing I do have control over. No valleys, but no mountain tops, either. Just dull monotony. I know you say you will not let me experience more than I can bear. But I wonder if there will ever be a time that I don't feel this constant sadness and loneliness just under the surface... I know you say that you won't forget about me. So why does it feel like you have forgotten about me?
I wish I could say that "half of me's all about apathy and the other half just doesn't care." But in reality I do care. This is not who I wanted to be or where I wanted to be. Truth be told I don't like who I am or where I am. And I feel powerless to change things. God, how do I continue to go on like this? To wake up and drag myself to work every morning at a job that my heart just isn't in? I feel guilty and greedy wishing for something better. It could definitely be worse. But I can't shake the feeling that this can't be it. Is this it, God? It just doesn't feel right to me. It doesn't fit. I don't feel like I belong here. I used to be optimistic about life and excited about the possibilities for my career. Why can't I feel that way anymore? Something feels wrong but I don't know how to fix it. Please help me God.
"I feel like I would like to be somewhere else doing something that matters..." - Relient K (More Than Useless)
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
It all matters
Do Everything - Steven Curtis Chapman
You’re picking up toys on the living room floor
for the 15th time today
Matching up socks and sweeping up lost
Cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip and color on your lips
and head out the door
And while I may not know you I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes does it matter at all
We’ll let me remind you it all matters just as long as you
Do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you to do
Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
OOoh ooooh oooooh
Maybe you’re that guy with the suit and tie
Maybe your shirt says your name
You may be hooking up mergers, cooking up burgers
But at the end of the day
Little stuff big stuff in between stuff
God sees it all the same
And while I may not know you I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes does it matter at all
We’ll let me remind you it all matters just as long as you do
Everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you
To do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace with every move that you make
And every little thing that you do
Well maybe you’re sitting in math class
Maybe anekatips on a mission in the Congo
Maybe you’re working at the office
Singing along with the radio
Maybe you’re dining at a five star
Or feeding orphans in Myanmar
Anywhere and everywhere you are
Whatever you do it all matters
So do what you do and don’t ever forget
to do
Everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you to do
Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace as you do
Everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you to do
Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace with every move that you make
And every little thing that you do
Ooh oooooh
Every little thing you do
You’re picking up toys on the living room floor
for the 15th time today
Matching up socks and sweeping up lost
Cheerios that got away
You put a baby on your hip and color on your lips
and head out the door
And while I may not know you I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes does it matter at all
We’ll let me remind you it all matters just as long as you
Do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you to do
Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do
OOoh ooooh oooooh
Maybe you’re that guy with the suit and tie
Maybe your shirt says your name
You may be hooking up mergers, cooking up burgers
But at the end of the day
Little stuff big stuff in between stuff
God sees it all the same
And while I may not know you I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes does it matter at all
We’ll let me remind you it all matters just as long as you do
Everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you
To do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace with every move that you make
And every little thing that you do
Well maybe you’re sitting in math class
Maybe anekatips on a mission in the Congo
Maybe you’re working at the office
Singing along with the radio
Maybe you’re dining at a five star
Or feeding orphans in Myanmar
Anywhere and everywhere you are
Whatever you do it all matters
So do what you do and don’t ever forget
to do
Everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you to do
Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace as you do
Everything you do to the glory of the One who made you
Cause He made you to do
Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
And tell the story of grace with every move that you make
And every little thing that you do
Ooh oooooh
Every little thing you do
You love me anyway...
You Love Me Anyway - Sidewalk Prophets
The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’s kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me
The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’s kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me
You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Mercies in disguise
When I first heard this song on the radio, I felt like it was written for me. I get so frustrated when I don't feel you, God. And that last line - "the rain, the storms, the hardest nights..." - touches an ache in my own heart. I remember that night in Port Elizabeth on my bunk in the dark. My heart pounding. Panic. Wondering where you were and what was happening. Tossing over and over in my mind thoughts of mom not being in my life anymore. That is the longest, hardest night I have lived through. I remember the rain. Pouring down on us, as if the skies had opened up. I felt so small in Africa. And alone. I remember the suffering. The sleepless nights. The tears. Thousands of tears. I doubted you and I couldn't understand why you were letting darkness win. But walking through those trials taught me things about you I couldn't have learned any other way. I learned about your character and your faithfulness. I matured and my faith matured. I still don't understand why things happened the way they did, but now I can see your hand in that part of my story. I can see that your blessings did come through those Africa-sized raindrops. Your healing did come through my tears on those long red roads in the Eastern Cape. Your mercy did come through the trials I faced then and still face. God, you are always faithful. You never give up on me even when I doubt you. I know that the aching of this life can't be healed on earth. But just like that pristine beach at the end of the path in Coffee Bay where you gave me rest, I know that when this life is through and I come home to you, you will finally heal all the hurts of this life and give my soul peace. You love me way too much to give me lesser things.
Blessings - Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
Blessings - Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
Put me in, Coach!
I had an epiphany yesterday. And let me tell you, it has helped so much! Refocused my perspective and put some peace back in my soul. Not because it is a new revelation, but because I am finally able to verbalize the emotions I have been feeling for months. That is a relief in and of itself because half of my frustration came from not being able to articulate why I was so frustrated. The gist of it is this: the job frustration is not coming from the minor annoyances (IEX, etc.), but from the fact that deep in my soul I long not to be sitting on the bench but to be a participant in God's work in this world. Working at World Vision, the irony is that I am surrounded by people who are on the field (or, literally, in the field) and I get to hear their stories all the time, but I am on the bench and don't get to join in playing the game. That is hard. I have been training and practicing and warming up - and I even got to play in a few minor league games. But now I am anxious to join the big leagues and play! I don't understand why, God, but you are not ready for me to do that yet. And after running the half marathon this weekend, I understand the importance of training, building strength and endurance, stretching, learning... So I will wait on the sidelines for awhile longer. But I pray that in this time you will prepare me, God, because "I'm anticipating a time when it will be my turn ... think that I'll save the world" (Brooke Fraser).
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Disconnect
Funny how fast moods can change. I was enjoying life until about 3 weeks ago. Yesterday I had a minor meltdown. I knew it would happen. Things were going too well. "I'm so happy and... something bad is going to happen." - Charlotte, Sex and the City.
Getting so frustrated with my job. I feel stuck. Is it too much to hope for a career? Or at least a job that isn't so restrictive? I feel like I am in middle school again, with tardy policies and bathroom passes. Very Big Brother. And I resent that the department I work in is treated like the red-headed stepkid. Sigh.
I sit in chapel and am told that I should be a Mary instead of a Martha. That I should be an encourager. That I should learn how to resolve conflict with those around me and focus on relationships instead of production. I hear coworkers in the audience voice their agreement. I shake my head in amazement. Newsflash: I am a Mary (stopping to smell the roses - or photograph them). I am an encourager (which, as I wrote in my Elder application, has been confirmed multiple times - even through prophecy). I already know (and teach others - hello, 4 years of ROM) how to resolve conflict. "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills" (Zoolander). These are the things I am that I feel like aren't valued in my current job. All that is expected of me is production. Nurturing relationships is discouraged. Sigh.
I don't want to be ungrateful. I realize that a lot of people don't have jobs. But I am dissatisfied. Unhappy. Not realizing my potential. At the end of chapel today, Rich told us to be happy. So there is a disconnect between what I am being told and the reality I am living. I don't really know what to do about it. Cut ties and run away? Stick it out and be frustrated? I know, I know. I should be happy. I should "let go and let God." I should pray.
But what if I don't feel like it? Being in a bad mood is apparently really good for my numbers: 56 kana emails today and yesterday. Yikes. Still, I feel like I am banging my head on the wall. Over and over and over. Cancelling sponsorships. Updating addresses. Telling people how to send letters to their sponsored children... It never ends. I will answer the same questions tomorrow that I answered today and yesterday and the day before... Incessant questions. Incessant emails. Sure - me answering emails somehow helps babies in Africa get fed. But is this really my purpose in life?
Listening to Croatian music on my ipod today made me want to cry. I miss my past life.
"Don't worry, you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time"
- Sarah McLachlan, Perfect Girl
Getting so frustrated with my job. I feel stuck. Is it too much to hope for a career? Or at least a job that isn't so restrictive? I feel like I am in middle school again, with tardy policies and bathroom passes. Very Big Brother. And I resent that the department I work in is treated like the red-headed stepkid. Sigh.
I sit in chapel and am told that I should be a Mary instead of a Martha. That I should be an encourager. That I should learn how to resolve conflict with those around me and focus on relationships instead of production. I hear coworkers in the audience voice their agreement. I shake my head in amazement. Newsflash: I am a Mary (stopping to smell the roses - or photograph them). I am an encourager (which, as I wrote in my Elder application, has been confirmed multiple times - even through prophecy). I already know (and teach others - hello, 4 years of ROM) how to resolve conflict. "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills" (Zoolander). These are the things I am that I feel like aren't valued in my current job. All that is expected of me is production. Nurturing relationships is discouraged. Sigh.
I don't want to be ungrateful. I realize that a lot of people don't have jobs. But I am dissatisfied. Unhappy. Not realizing my potential. At the end of chapel today, Rich told us to be happy. So there is a disconnect between what I am being told and the reality I am living. I don't really know what to do about it. Cut ties and run away? Stick it out and be frustrated? I know, I know. I should be happy. I should "let go and let God." I should pray.
But what if I don't feel like it? Being in a bad mood is apparently really good for my numbers: 56 kana emails today and yesterday. Yikes. Still, I feel like I am banging my head on the wall. Over and over and over. Cancelling sponsorships. Updating addresses. Telling people how to send letters to their sponsored children... It never ends. I will answer the same questions tomorrow that I answered today and yesterday and the day before... Incessant questions. Incessant emails. Sure - me answering emails somehow helps babies in Africa get fed. But is this really my purpose in life?
Listening to Croatian music on my ipod today made me want to cry. I miss my past life.
"Don't worry, you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time"
- Sarah McLachlan, Perfect Girl
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